Perforated Teddy Bear

The first thing I remember was a broken lens 
Beyond our mellow chatter,
Beneath a garish hanging garden,
Fallen in an ordinary conversation
Bordering on work and travels,
Time was always lost with him 

It was not an object; 
It did not pass slowly; 
Rather, I would always see it melt away
Like slabs of butter vanquished on a frying pan
Like a starry countenance burning up in rage

I am half-inclined to think 
That you would not remember me

Yet this was once my peace

Stalking past these Christmas lanterns 
On a quest for sandwiches
Boredom somehow scintillated 
With a sheen of captivation 
Then I received a whiff of your old temper
The abashed, judgmental whimper 
That had once insisted on our preordained demise 
It was a subtle disagreement 
Concerning the quaintness of Soho 

And then you said it was too dark for sunglasses 

I have been held in paralytic terror 
Witnessing the feisty umbrage 
Some may know 
As the passage of unstable time 

The sun was shining bright between the cracks

And then, there were no sandwiches 

Your plane was once derailed 
Floating over Austin, coming into New York City 
We paused before a secondhand exchange 
Pantomiming an embrace 

I want you to know 
I do not wish to be your ammunition 
I’d rather obfuscate the constellations in the sky 
Than to stand by pushing pennies
As your worldview insists that I should be ashamed
Yet as I linger 
Penciling excuses that I dare not underline in pen
I hope you know I’ll always wonder
Why my weakened judgement
Always seems to bring me back to you
But I hope you’ll never notice 
All these volumes I’ve written 
To contend with scores of somersaults 
I have arrested in my brain 
And would you like to know 
How many times I’ve asked myself 
Do I genuinely care for you?
Or are you a simple hobbyhorse 
To fill the time I have been too afraid 
To fill with something else 
A nobler act that would compel me to take out 
The six discerning eyes of Fate
Following Jocasta’s bleeding offspring 
Sticking out my arms to amble 
Like a lady from the Scottish play 
To announce that I have cracked the universe 
That I have smashed up all the cockroaches 
Teeming deep inside your brain
Well, sir, I am not a mealworm
Dangling from your fish hook at your will 
Nor am I a genie sprouting from an obsolescent lamp
You might see me brandishing a fireball 
Plunging into golden chasms 
As I set our wooden promises to immolate in flames  
You know where to find me 
Yet you never do, for longer than a moment,
Because you do not fear the world’s evanescence 
In the vein of fever with which I embrace eternity 

I’ll remember all the flowers that you never got me 

And in three days it’s your birthday 
This will startlingly be the fifth 
That we might have spent together
And when you turned eighteen and fainted 
Many years ago
I was there to see you opening your eyes 
Because you still had them 
Be thankful that you did not need to share 
Your eyes amongst two other sisters 
And if you ever learn to use them 
Maybe then you’ll save yourself from your own attack 
Besides, I have wasted all this time now 
Lip-synching enough!
I won’t check up on you 
Like I said I would 
I will pretend 
To forget 
That it’s your birthday 
Just as I have many other times 
And then, I shall show you what it means to be afraid 
Ashes to immaculate blue particles of dust 
Just another emblematic Saturday